Beyond the Binary: Exploring Evolving Sexual Identities in the Gay Community

For decades, dating and hookup apps tailored to gay men have offered a seemingly endless spectrum of potential partners, from muscle bears to slender twinks, across a vast geographical expanse. Yet, when it came to defining one's sexual preference within these digital spaces, the options remained remarkably rigid: top, bottom, or the flexible versatile. This entrenched binary has long shaped perceptions of masculinity, intimacy, and even power dynamics within gay male culture. But what happens when individuals find their authentic desires stretching beyond these conventional labels? A quiet revolution has been brewing, culminating in the emergence and increasing visibility of a new, distinct identity: the "side."

The Traditional Landscape: Top, Bottom, and Versatile

To truly appreciate the significance of this evolving lexicon, it's essential to understand the roles that have historically defined sexual activity for many gay men. The terms "top" and "bottom" originated not just as indicators of sexual position, but often carried connotations of dominance, submission, and even gendered roles, albeit without being gender-specific in their application:

Top: Traditionally refers to the individual who prefers the insertive role during anal sex, often associated with a more dominant or assertive persona.
Bottom: Refers to the individual who prefers the receptive role during anal sex, sometimes historically linked to a more submissive or passive persona.
Versatile (Verse): Denotes someone comfortable and interested in performing either the insertive or receptive role, offering adaptability and often challenging the strict rigidity of the binary.

While these labels served as practical shortcuts for communication, they often oversimplified the rich tapestry of human desire, leading some to feel confined by outdated notions of gender and power. The implication that sexual fulfillment hinged solely on penetrative acts left many feeling misunderstood or even ashamed of their true inclinations.

Historically, the top-bottom dynamic was sometimes reinforced through visual signifiers like tattoos or piercings on specific sides of the body, further cementing the perceived importance of these roles. Yet, as cultural understanding and personal expression have broadened, the limitations of this traditional framework have become increasingly apparent.

The Dawn of a New Identity: Understanding "Side"

The term "side" represents a groundbreaking step in expanding the vocabulary of gay male sexuality, offering a much-needed category for those who previously felt unrepresented. A "side" is defined as a man who finds sexual fulfillment and pleasure in virtually every kind of sexual act except anal penetration.

This includes a rich array of intimate expressions:

Deep, passionate kissing and making out
Oral sex (giving and receiving)
Mutual masturbation
Body-to-body contact and cuddling
Outercourse and frottage
Use of sex toys in non-penetrative ways
Focus on foreplay and prolonged non-penetrative intimacy

The formal recognition of the "side" identity gained significant traction in May 2023, when the popular gay dating app Grindr incorporated it as a distinct position option. This wasn't merely a spontaneous addition; it was the culmination of years of advocacy, community building, and digital visibility efforts. Key figures like therapist and author Dr. Joe Kort were instrumental, having created a private Facebook group called "Side Guys" eighteen months prior to provide a safe haven for these men. Membership in this group surged, doubling in just eight months to reach over 5,000 members globally, a testament to the unaddressed need for this category.

The movement was amplified by social media, particularly TikTok, where Dr. Kort himself produced informational videos. Other influencers, like model Barrett Pall (with 1.7 million followers), and comedian Michael Henry, whose humorous yet empathetic "mock-tutorial" on sides garnered hundreds of thousands of YouTube views, further propelled the term into mainstream consciousness. The writer Bobby Box also played a pivotal role, penning an influential piece for the Canadian queer publication Xtra earlier in the year, which brought critical attention to the community.

Why "Side" Matters: Challenging Norms and Fostering Acceptance

The emergence of the "side" identity is far more than just a new label; it's a profound cultural shift with significant implications for individual well-being and the broader LGBTQ+ community.

Breaking Heteronormative Constructs

One of the most powerful arguments for the "side" identity, championed by Dr. Kort, is its direct challenge to heteronormativity. Historically, sex has often been defined by penetrative acts, a standard deeply rooted in heterosexual norms. When gay male sexuality defaults to anal penetration as the primary, or even sole, measure of sexual fulfillment, it inadvertently perpetuates this heteronormative framework. By embracing "side," gay men have a unique opportunity to:

Redefine Intimacy: Prioritize connection, pleasure, and diverse forms of sexual expression beyond penetration.
Liberate Desire: Validate sexual preferences that do not conform to traditional, often narrow, definitions of "sex."
Expand Sexual Health: Offer alternatives for men experiencing erectile dysfunction or other physical challenges, demonstrating that fulfilling sexual experiences are still deeply accessible.

Addressing Internalized Homophobia and Shame

Initially, some critics viewed the "side" identity as a manifestation of internalized homophobia, suggesting a reluctance to fully embrace gay male sexuality which often involves anal sex. However, Dr. Kort argues the exact opposite. For many men, the inability or disinterest in performing or receiving anal sex has led to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and isolation within the gay community. Questions like "Am I really gay if I don't enjoy anal sex?" or "Why am I ashamed of this?" have haunted countless individuals.

The "side" label provides:

Validation: A name for an experience that felt unspoken or abnormal.
Community: A forum for shared experiences and mutual support, transforming isolation into solidarity.
Empowerment: The ability to articulate one's desires clearly and confidently, reducing the pressure to conform.

A 2017 survey cited in the source material, though not directly detailing "side" identity, revealed that three-quarters of gay men expressed a preference for kissing, oral sex, and other non-penetrative acts. This statistic underscores a widespread, yet often unacknowledged, reality that the "side" identity now helps to articulate.

The Growing Movement and Visibility

The "Side Guys" Facebook group, along with the widespread social media campaigns, illustrates a burgeoning global community. Posts from "sides" of all ages and from every corner of the world pour in, sharing stories of discovery, acceptance, and the joy of finding like-minded individuals.

This groundswell of grassroots support and celebrity endorsement (from figures like Pall and Henry) created undeniable pressure for platforms like Grindr to acknowledge this identity. The sheer volume of men identifying as "side" online suggests that this is not a niche preference, but a widely held desire that simply lacked a name and a platform for expression.

Looking ahead, Dr. Kort has expressed hope that "sides" will soon feel confident enough to form visible groups at Pride marches, further cementing their place within the broader LGBTQ+ spectrum and signaling a new era of inclusivity and diverse sexual expression.

Beyond Labels: Towards a More Inclusive Future

While labels like "top," "bottom," "versatile," and "side" serve crucial roles in self-identification and communication, they should ultimately be seen as tools, not constraints. The ongoing evolution of sexual identity, particularly within the gay community, reflects a broader societal trend of challenging rigid binaries—be they related to gender, sexuality, or even power dynamics.

The acceptance of "side" is a powerful reminder that human sexuality is fluid, multifaceted, and deeply personal. It encourages an honest reckoning with individual desires, free from external pressures or outdated cultural expectations.

As the conversation around sexual preferences continues to mature, embracing these new definitions fosters greater understanding, reduces shame, and ultimately leads to more fulfilling and authentic connections. It's a testament to the fact that true liberation comes from embracing the full spectrum of human experience, celebrating diversity in all its beautiful forms, and allowing individuals to define their own path to pleasure and intimacy.